If you want to buy a piece of worthless crap, go to Ebay. If you want to buy a worthless piece of crap signed by a worthless actor or musician…you still go to Ebay.
10. Michael Winslow
The problem with an autographed picture of the guy who did all the craaaazy sound effects in the Police Academy movies is that it doesn’t make a peep. This guy needs to sell autographs with some kind of speaker attached to it that makes the sound of him autographing the picture, otherwise it’s just another worthless semi-celebrity autograph. Actually, it’ll be that no matter what. Price: $19.99
9. Jerry O’Connell
O’Connell’s magical film career (Kangaroo Jack, Tomcats) has contributed to the greatness of this autograph. Another great thing about it is the fact that it’s not even an autographed picture, but just a card. For all the shit O’Connell gets, we can’t knock him too hard because his wife, Rebecca Romijn Stamos, is hotter than 100% of the population. Price: $9.99
8. Jim-Belushi
This autograph is also on a sheet of paper, or a “cut” as the seller tries to put it. But this has a little essence of the Bel-OOSH thrown in. It’s in mint condition except for a ketchup stain on the left side from the hotdog Belushi was eating at the time he signed it. So in a way, this thing is double autographed. Price: $19.95
7. Sylvester Stallone
The great thing about this item is the fact that it’s merely a photocopy of an autographed picture of Stallone. But if you’re a hardcore fan of Sly, you probably own Stop or My Mom Will Shoot! on DVD. So you will buy pretty much anything. Price: $5.88
6. Drew Bledsoe
Once upon a time, New England had a quarterback who meant something. That something was never winning a championship. Price: $6.00
5. David Copperfield’
With his recent legal troubles, Copperfield has to sell his autographs to people. Unfortunately for Dave, it looks like he’ll have to sell 110,000 of these babies in order to pay off the 2.2 Million dollar lawsuit that promoters brought on him after he cancelled a shitload of shows. At least he’s still got a killer hairdo. Price: $19.99
4. Robert Loggia
There’s actually a mathematic law that deals with Robert Loggia. It goes 1G (1 good movie) + 1B (1 bad movie) = 1L, which is a Loggia, or a Loggia career move. For example, Scarface + Necessary Roughness = 1 Loggia. Add up all the L’s, and you’re left with yet another cheap autograph on eBay. Price: $14.99
3. John Tesh
On his albums Sax on the Beach and Sax by the Fire, John Tesh shows his incredible skill at making shitty songs sound even shittier on his saxophone. Pair his musical career with his job as host on the eminently annoying Entertainment Tonight, and you’ve got the recipe for an autographed picture that nobody wants. Price: $14.99
2. Ken Starr
Wow,” said the guy who is still living in 1998, “this thing is going to sell for a hella lot of money!” Later that night, he turned up his Savage Garden CD and logged on AOL 2.0 to check for any bids. Although he’s only asking for $10, adjusted for inflation and that’s like 11 1998 dollars, which is enough for a ticket to Armageddon this weekend! Price: $9.99
1. OJ Simpson/MC Hammer
Whoever said lightning doesn’t strike twice obviously wasn’t at the VMA’s in 2005. The greatest celebrity autograph on all of eBay is a pre-party pass from the 2005 Video Music Awards signed by America’s most washed up MC on one side, and one of the deadliest running backs to play the game on the other. Price: $159.99. Seriously.
February 22nd, 2008 at 7:01 pm
thas lame!